feelings

Trigger warning in case any of the things I talk about are not ideal for others.

Since I was a kid, I've always been so shy. I grew up around a lot of fights and loud noises too. I am also a really sensitive person and I suffer a lot from anxiety. In general, I do not have any friends nor have I ever been a part of any sort of romantic interest. My situation is a little unique, especially due to my religion. I was born and raised here so I am used to things a lot, yet in all 20 years of my life I have never felt like I have ever belonged anywhere. Besides my shyness, my looks are not attractive either, so I have never really been the one chosen or noticed. I generally struggle a lot with communicating how I feel because of the problems it has caused me in my household, but I was told to "suck up my pride and put myself out there more" or "talk to people more". I tried , yet often times they just will not be interested in friendship with me at all, or because I lack the characteristics that others my age have.

It hurts so much sometimes, despite it being a feeling I have lived with. It hurts because I want to be loved so badly. I am constantly reminded of this feeling when I see people walking hand in hand or holding each other in public, because I want to experience that warmth so badly too. I want to be seen and understood too. I want someone to care about my smile too. I feel really touch and affection starved so sometimes too so I like to make up scenarios in my head thinking of different circumstances, when I have never really been the one anyone has ever wanted. It hurts seeing everyone around me having someone by their side, or being chosen, because I want to be special to someone too.