episodes in spring/summer

the only diagnosis’ i have are anorexia and ocd so far. however, since i turned 20, repeatedly for 2 years around spring i become incredibly anxious and depressed, going manic around the end of may.
last year i spent almost all of my money, abused alcohol and weed, and also engaged in dating habits which were unlike myself. this year i became anxious and depressed, with a rumination ocd episode also triggering, i also ended up thinking very irrationally and losing my whole sense of self and couldn’t figure out what i like and what to do with myself which lead me to go get medicated before the mania could set in.
this is where i become confused, i was put on sertraline for the ocd and im getting seen by a psychiatrist for my diagnoses. the sertraline has helped with the rumination, it doesn’t debilitate me much anymore. im still depressed, cant tidy my room, i still go in and out of phases where i lash out at my boyfriend and my sense of self is still wobbly. one day i want to get back into smoking and drinking, the next i want to never do any of that again. i dont act on it but i think about it, i cant just stick with one thing. its the same with how i feel about life, ill have days where i feel like life is worth it and it’ll be ok in the end, others i feel like im too much and i have nothing going for me and id be better off not here. i just feel extremely confused.

it’ll be a while until i see anyone about this so im jsut trying to see if anyone else has similar experiences and what it turned out to be, im struggling to understand myself.