I am useless

I’ve always tried to be there for my family and be there for everyone, I’ve always tried to help everyone around me, even strangers, I have a soft spot for homeless people and struggling people, I myself am struggling and I have been for years and I’m done. Idk how much longer I can live like this in a constant battle to find something to be happy about, I have nothing, I have 3 children, a husband and a father who I love all dearly but I feel like a failure, I don’t feel as though I deserve them, and they deserve better, I’ve thought about buying poisonous seeds and swallowing them maybe in my car away from home as to not traumatize anyone, I’m a cutter but I’m scared of cutting my wrist? Idk my thigh has always been my go to, I love watching my blood drip and the pain eases me, I’ve not cut in a long time, it’s a temporary solution and my family will know I started cutting again, I’m trying to go silently, leave a note and my life insurance policy will leave my family well off, idk how to live in this world, idk where else to go, I lie to everyone and tell them I’m okay.. but I’m not I’m really not and I’m sick in my head, do you guys think that swallowing poisonous seeds would be a good easy quick way out? It’s the best option I can think of and they are relatively cheap on Amazon.