How did you mentally recover and build back confidence after a scary ride?

My confidence is in the gutter. I am struggling to build it back up and my anxiety has been taking over. I’ve read countless threads about others dealing with anxiety while riding and while I know I’m not alone, I still feel awful.

I used to be a confident rider and several years ago I had a bad fall - hit my head, had bruises all over my body. In the grand scheme of things, I was completely fine, and yet, I have never been the same in the saddle.

I’ve been taking weekly lessons for a few years now and am often rotating between several different horses. Some I like much more than others. But with the changes in horses, I find it hard to progress due to my anxiety. I really like the stability of knowing the horse I’m going to ride and building up trust with them. I really really want to progress in this sport, but I’m barely even cantering because when I get to a comfortable point with a horse and feel like I’m ready to move up a gait, it’s the next week, and I’m on a different horse. If I could half lease, lease, or buy I would, but I’m just not in a financial place to do so.

A month ago, I had a horse bolt on me. I managed to stay on, however, my anxiety is at an entirely new level from it. I’m so ridiculously anxious now I’m just a hunched over ball on the horses back, holding onto their face, and I’m always on the defense. Always waiting now for something to go wrong and to get left in the dust or injured. And of course I know none of this is fair for the horses I ride, they’ve been great and I feel terribly being this stressed and possibly causing them stress/frustration too.

I feel like I take 1 step forward with this sport and then immediately 10 steps back (and I know that happens in life and with this sport, but I really wish I was just a bit farther along in my ability). So now, I’m not just anxious but also embarrassed.. I can’t help but look at the other beginners riding laps around me at both the trot and canter and feel awful (I know I shouldn’t compare, but I guess I’m just frustrated with myself at this point). No matter how many times I try and rationalize how I’m feeling and what my body is doing, just none of it seems to click when I’m in the saddle. I’m leaving the barn ready to cry these days.

There’s part of me that feels like it would be much easier to quit, but I love riding. On the days I have a good lesson, it’s like the best day in the world - I’m filled with so much joy and excitement, a feeling I haven’t really found with other hobbies and a feeling I don’t really want to let go of. But, I also haven’t felt worse in the last month.

I will caveat and say that I am in therapy, I have spoken to my therapist about this and I will look into EMDR (saw that in a couple of threads and think it’s a great idea). But, I’m really curious to hear from this community how you got through a rough patch. Did you take a step back, some time off, or push through?

Part of me wants to ask my trainer if I can just get a couple of lessons with the most seasoned/trustworthy horse they have, but I’m also not sure how that will be received or if it’d be possible due to the nature of the lesson program.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading this whole thing.