Sexual assault

Yesterday around 10, I went out with a guy I met on a dating app he’s 23 years old, I’m 19. I’m on birth control, but every three weeks I have to stop taking it so I can get my period. I told him I didn’t want to have sex since I wasn’t on birth control and wasn’t prepared. We went to his place to hang out and play video games. We started kissing and getting a little handsy, but then it started to go too far, and I couldn’t stop it. He didn’t finish inside me, but when he got off of me, I pulled my shirt down, laid there, and started to cry. I didn’t know what else to do. He realized what he did and started apologizing. He went into a separate room so I could get dressed. I wanted to hide in a closet or somewhere, but I didn’t know where to go, so I just sat against a wall and felt like my mouth was super glued shut. I learned sign language because I’m autistic, and I needed a way to communicate when I get like this. But I couldn’t even use it because he didn’t know ASL. I study psychology, and the only way I’d feel better is by focusing on how he felt. I told him I’d get over it because I know I will. I have the support, and I tried to see the bright side, but I’m not strong enough to handle this. I feel numb, hurt, and lost. I have therapy every Tuesday so I can get help. People tell me to tell the police, but I don’t want to ruin a young man’s life over a mistake like this. A part of me is thankful it happened to me because I’ve been through a lot, and I think I can handle it. I’d feel worse if it happened to another girl who doesn’t have a therapist or a good support group, you know? I told five people my brother, friend 1, 2, 3, and 4. Friend 1 tried to push me to go to the police, but I can’t. Friend 2 was on a break at work and hung up on me soon after. Friend 3 said I probably enjoyed it because I’m defending him, but I’m not. Friend 4 said it wasn’t my fault and no one deserves this. He offered to press charges against the young man, but I told him hurting him wouldn’t solve anything or make me happy. Still, friend 4 has been more helpful than anyone. Honestly, I think I’d have lost it if it weren’t for him. We call him Spiderman because that’s his favorite hero, and he acts just like him. I didn’t realize how much I needed a Spiderman until now. I won’t hurt myself and I’m safe I just needed to speak into the void ig.