it’s my birthday today

i’ve been fine for a while but i broke down again last night, then now again on my birthday. i miss her so much i can’t stop thinking about her these days. it’s been 8 months, which is crazy to me since it feels like it’s been 2 months. i miss her so much i never knew you could miss someone this bad. it’s crazy knowing it’s completely impossible that i’ll ever get to see her again in my lifetime, and the more time that passes the harder i could feel it getting. i finish my third year of university in 3 days, after that i’ll officially be a senior. she’s not going to watch my graduate from university. it’s my bday today. i turn 21. she was there on my birthday last year, and now she’s not. i miss her so much i can genuinely hand-write the phrase “i miss her” for 20 pages and it still wouldn’t be enough. my father keeps reiterating the fact that i was her favorite. i find that hard to believe since i feel like i wasn’t there for her as much as my older siblings were. i wish i could go back in time and just tell her how much i love her one last time. i wish i got the chance to tell her that i loved her more than i loved my grandparents and more than any family member outside our household. our, because she was apart of my immediate family. it’s always been me, my parents, my four siblings, and her. i miss her so much and i don’t think this will ever change. i think about her everyday. everytime i’m happy, she comes to my mind then all of a sudden i realize im not actually happy my life is shit and i’m sad. when im sad i think of her and i end up being even more upset. when im bored i think of her and end up feeling upset. when im literally every other feeling, my mind inevitably drifts to thinking about her and i get sad. i. miss. her. so. much. i miss her. i’ve missed people before but id always be able to tell them and i knew id eventually get to see them. in another country? one of us will eventually get on a plane and visit the other. busy? i could text and call. literally any other circumstance that would lead you to miss someone could be solved in a matter of hours. missing a dead person? no. unresolvable. when i saw her before she was buried, she looked asleep. not dead. that’s what i wish she was sometimes. i wish she was asleep and would wake up soon and ask us to keep our voices down because we disturbed her sleep. but shes not asleep, she’s dead and i miss her. i miss her so much.

i have a final exam in 14 hours, ive barely studied, its 2am and its my bday. yet all i can focus on is how much i miss her.