Girl dinner is this crazy delicious hazelnut creme cake from a local bakery because I'm a sad girl.  
\*\*TW for mentions of emotional abuse.\*\*

I (41F) met K (34M) online, we rapidly decided to meet in person, did the LDR thing for the last 3.5 years across the ocean from one another... multiple trips to see each other every year, etc. In the first 2ish years, he was lovely - stable, lucrative job with huge growth potential. Mature and intelligent, had his shit together. Attentive and fun, did what he said he would, respected my boundaries, checked every. single. box. in my extensive "must haves" list that my therapist encouraged me to create. It was wonderful!

This came \~3 years after a shitty, emotionally fraught divorce with a man who emotionally abused me and wrecked my self-confidence and sense of self-worth to the point I could barely look a man in the eyes, and to the point where I had so little sexual desire I thought I was ace. After that divorce, i got myself into therapy to work through the PTSD and the issues that got me into my shitty marriage in the first place and was well on my way to healing when I met K.

K taught me I could love and be loved, and feel safe with someone. He showed me the fun in spontaneity. He was patient with my PTSD flashbacks and listened to me talk about my marriage and my childhood and lots of silly things. He never made me feel bad about expressing myself. Everything was about what *we* did *together*, and not just what he wanted, and he always made sure to check in on me, support me even when he was having a hard day, things like that. 

...For a while at least.

He went through some tough stuff last year (a family death, job loss) and just... changed. It was gradual, but very significant. He stopped calling as much, stopped checking in. Stopped initiating sexy talk, or trying to have sex (but was more than happy to have me give him head). When I offered to lend an ear to his troubles, he didn't take me up on it. I gave him space, but gently requested we talk more, communicate more, and there were always excuses as to why he couldn't. Sometimes he would say hurtful things to me and would make excuses for that, too. There's so much I can't even write here without turning it into more of a novel than it already is. I tried to be patient and talk things out. I encouraged therapy. He went on a waitlist for it (Europe) but then didn't bother to do any self-help, even journalling. I continued to be patient.

Then, my stress started. I got some sort of mysterious illness that caused random bouts of nausea. Thankfully, my job was very understanding and supportive. My boyfriend... was not. He'd check up on me when I went to the ER 2x for it, yes, but very rarely asked about it thereafter. It's mostly resolved now (it might have had to do with a massive ovarian cyst or my fibroids, idk, still investigating), but he never asked about it unless i mentioned it. Regardless, I still emotionally supported him through his struggles because I had the space.

My stress increased significantly when I was offered (and took) a lucrative job that had me pack up, leave my hometown, and move across my state. Not once did he check on me on the day of the drive. Not once did he ask me how my new job is going. He'd ask about my cats, about how I'm liking my new city, but never about me and never about my job. I asked why. He continuously dodged the question.

We got into several arguments this year alone after he would say shitty things and I'd tell him I didn't like them or in which I'd ask him to communicate better, including one in which he told me to "kindly fuck off". I should have ended it there. But no, I kept trying. I told him how the refusal of sex made me feel unattractive. He claimed he had no libido and had no answer when I asked him why 'no libido' still allowed for him to ask for me to give him head.

I broke it off today; it had to happen. I tried to have a conversation with him about everything again... the communication, the sexual desire. He pointed to the same things over and over: his mental health, his stress. We kept going in circles, and he would try to place blame on me for things, tell me I "made him anxious" by addressing concerns... yeah. I told him I wanted to break up after that. I tried to be kind but firm and i think i succeeded. Never again am I avoiding addressing a concern because someone's feelings might get hurt. 

I cried, called my mom, cried again, bitched a lot in several voice msgs to my BFF, and now am having cake. I hope to feel better tomorrow and look at this as a new beginning rather than an ending.

We broke up. I'm sad but it needed to happen.