I miss them so much that I could die

CW: self-harm and suicide

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6 days ago I sent a message to my fp apologizing for my behavior and asking if we could talk about everything that happened now two months later, until now I didn't receive an answer and I'm going crazy.

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I feel that I can't live without them, I only experienced good moments in my life with them and now that I fucked everything up just feels ridiculous to think in continuing to live.

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today is an exceptional day in my country cause they're playing on the world cup and everyone is with their partner, family and friends happy and excited while I'm alone at home in my bad crying and stabbing my leg with a pen, I'm miserable and I can't stop thinking about calling them but I know they won't answer and everything will just go worse

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I'm tired and everyday of my life is me thinking in suicide constantly, asking for heavens to take me out of here or at least to bring them back. I don't have any motivation to go through this shit without them and nothing that I can possibly do will bring them back.

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I'm tired and I don't want to handle it anymore, I hate this disease I hate my brain my body my personality everything is just wrong and I should be dead already, I can't take it anymore