I was SA when I was 3-4yo and I think I enjoyed it

Most of the time I think my brain is just making that shit up because the only proof is in my mind. I’m 20-25yo but I do remember thinking about that topic throughout the years. The first time I realized I was SA was when I was 8yo.

I don’t remember much of it, most of the time I can’t remember how I felt during situations but I do remember the act. But I think I remember me feeling good when it happened.

So for what I remember is that my parents just had my sister so they weren’t much over me during that time. I consider I was 3yo because I’m 3 year and a half older than her, and if she just born that means I was 3yo. We lived under a plaza, so upstairs were a lot of empty stores to rent but most of them were empty. A couple of them were being used by dressmakers (I think that’s how you called it??) and one of those dressmakers was my abuser. I even remember trying a couple of dresses made for a kid similar to my height.

I don’t know how it went exactly but I remember something about playing a game. He got me to the very back of that plaza, basically empty because the only people in the second floor was the dressmakers. I remember an empty room and cardboard box displayed in the floor so I could lie down. He asked me to close my eyes and not open them until he said it, and I did. I don’t remember if he asked me to take off my pants or if he just did for me. I just remember being in 4, open the eyes for a second and seeing his dick.

I don’t trust myself with this part but I believe it happened several times. When I was younger I thought that I was wrong, not because I let it happen but because I participate in the game. That is because of bible classes. I didn’t know what it was a “sin” was the sex before marriage, I only knew that sex was wrong.

I can only speculate but I think I like it, I think I remember the enjoyment when it happened and if it’s true that I keep coming back, then it must be because I did like it.

Sometimes I don’t trust my memory and I get scare that all that is just my imagination. I did tell a couple of friends while growing up and I do remember be concerned as a kid thinking about this whole situation, but that’s about it.

Sometimes I don’t really put much thought into it because it didn’t affect me, at least for what I have experiment. But sometimes I just wonder if it really happen and how can I possible relate with other victims.

I don’t think I know where I want to go with this post honestly. I think deep down in my want to hear more opinions about this, even though in theory this is something relatively common. I have only told friends that were my age (under age at that time) and I usually don’t want to hear what they have to say about it. I usually take it like another fact about me.

Btw sorry if there is any grammar/spelling mistake! English is my second language and I don’t feel like reading everything again. I apologize

Side note: I’m agnostic! But I grew up in a really religious country, the reason why I was in that class.