I hate the hijab and abaya with every fiber of my being but I’m forced to wear them

I absolutely hate hijab niqab abaya I wear abaya cover my hair ( hijab ) and I use face mask instead of niqab but it’s kinda like niqab it is not my choice and I see myself struggling I can’t enjoy anything let alone living in a country that is hot in summer I tried to fight I tried my best but I always failed I started not wearing it for a period of time only when I’m out without my family but then my mom was okay for a really short time and during that time she said that I do look so much better without it But then she stopped suddenly that and said I look so beautiful with the hijab but I don’t know how to wear it but the purpose of hijab is covering the hair and of course I won’t wear something I hate right even if it’s part of my culture and my religion ( who I even know struggle and can’t call myself muslim anymore I just lost faith ) she started with telling me to learn how to wear the hijab telling me to pick my hijab by myself ( ah how harsh is it to choose ur shroud by yourself to choose the shroud you have to wear and I don’t wanna hurt mama she went through a lot I am crying now looking at those beautiful women who don’t wear it who are living freely and know how this life is not fair even if I didn’t fight so strong even my ways were soft it was still never my choice no matter how I try to gaslight myself it’s my choice and even if others tell me I know deep inside it’s not my choice and even that short period of time felt like freedom even if I was scared of my brothers knowing let alone that when I don’t wear it in the car they get angry and tell me to cover my hair I wish I didn’t exist not here not this way not in this world , it’s not my fault that Aisha or Fatima or Zainab chose to wear the hijab and see it empowering I didn’t choose it and I put all the blame towards that shroud that doesn’t let me enjoy even the most things I love