how I ended up being free-use for my son

I’m 39 and I’ve been having sex with my son who's 21 now, since November 2025. I wanted to write this because it’s been going on for a while now and I feel like I need to explain how it actually started and how things are between us.

It began when I found out he had been stealing my nudes and keeping them on his computer for years. I never confronted him about it because it was so awkward for me and I didn't think it was that bad, "better than watching porn i guess".
Then one night in November 2025 I came home really drunk and passed out in my bed. He came into my room and fucked me while I was unconscious. The next morning I woke up and confronted him, and he showed me a video he had recorded on his phone. In the video I was drunk but awake, touching him and asking him to fuck me. I had no memory of any of it. I felt sick watching it… but at the same time I got really turned on. That same weekend we ended up having sex again and we basically didn’t leave the house. After that weekend it never really stopped.

I told him pretty early on that he doesn’t need to ask me for sex. He can just take me whenever he wants, even if I’m doing something else or not really in the mood. I also told him that even if I cry or tell him to stop during it, he’s not supposed to stop, unless we have a proper conversation about it when we’re not having sex. So far we haven’t had that conversation.

Now it’s just part of our normal life. He uses me almost every day. He really likes cumming inside me, he finishes deep in my pussy almost every time. We do a lot of anal too. He’s quite big so it still hurts sometimes, especially when he goes rough, but he usually doesn’t stop even when I’m crying from it. I’ve also gotten pretty good at deepthroating him. His girlfriend can’t do it so he makes me do it for him quite often, sometimes for a long time while he’s on his PC or watching something.

During sex I like to play the innocent mom. I’ll say things like “we shouldn’t be doing this” or “I’m your mum…” even though we both know it’s way too late for that. I think he likes it when I act a bit reluctant at first, and I like how dirty it makes me feel.

He also shared me with some of his friends once. It was one long night and they used me together for a few hours. It was intense and I still think about it sometimes.

I still feel like a horrible mother most days. The guilt hits me really hard sometimes, especially when I think about how normal it’s become for us. At the same time I’m addicted to it. I get wet just from knowing he can use me whenever he feels like it. The fact that it’s wrong and that I gave him this kind of control over me turns me on more than anything else. I’ve tried to tell myself I should stop, but I haven’t. And deep down I don’t think I actually want to.