i dont have the emotional strength or energy to transition

been undereating since i was 11 because i thought it could magically stunt these tumors from growing on my chest. Knew since 15. im 20 now. not a lick of testosterone in my body. im too fucking scared of breaking my dads illusion. sees me as a little girl and he is violent to everyone else in my family except for me. I have to be the glue that holds this family together. Im so sick of sounding like this. Im sick of looking like an innocent little girl when i am a wolf in sheeps clothing. Nobody should trust me. Nobody should feel comfortable with me. Ive been repping for 5 years. I cant hide being on t but its fucking killing me knowing that i am still in limbo. An indefinite waiting room. Constantly weaponizing my incompetence. Infantalizing myself as a female socialized person would. I am emotionally stunted and i am an emotional manipulator. Ingmi