I don't care if I live

(English is not my first language and my autocorrect does not work)

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I don't know how to do this, but need to get it out anyway.

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I feel like dying. I don't have pain. I'm just done. I'm 20 years old and don't care if I won't wake up tommorow.

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I have some close friends whom I meet up with on a regular basis and which i do genually like to be around with. My mother and step-father are great. Altough my study is though I do like it. I don't have monetary problems. I am transgender and can very likely start medically transitioning this year.

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And yet I still want death.

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I feel like I should take the fullness of life but I just don't care for it how much I try. It has been going on for long times, in ebs and flows bit never leaves.

Today I went to my first festival ever with one of my closests friends, and got to see some truly amazing artists, had good food and everything. And halfway I could only think about death, feeling so drained and just wanting to die.

I started imagening myself sitting on rooftops and falling down, and noticed i started smiling.

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It feels wrong to not want to be here and at the same time if I knew I couldn't do anything again I would be fine with it. In the middle of an exciting series and could drop it like nothing happend. I have a concert lined up for later this year, and if you told me I could not go anymore it would be fine.

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I can't get myself to care for what feels like anything, am I just broken?