Questioning my mind

(16f) Soo I give advice to people, I show them how beautiful life can be, I receive compliments that I would make a "good therapist" and my friends tell me that I understand their difficulties very well and that it helps them a lot. Then why am I mean to myself ? I have a deadline set for my 23rd birthday.

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I live a life of paradoxes. I want to explore the world, to escape my current life, but I can't because of my disorders and anxiety. I think I want to be happy but I've lived in this grey mood since I was little, it won't let me go, and maybe I don't want to let it go.

I don't think I know anything else but this, this emptiness that has followed me for so long. It's always there, deep down somewhere. Even when I laugh, even when I'm with friends, I feel it like my heartbeat, in there.

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From a very young age, I've questioned all of this. I see beauty in the world ; the wind caressing the skin, the sun disappearing below the horizon each day, people who have so much to convey in a single glance.... I admire the world, but I don't think I want to be a part of it.

Im so lucky, so lucky to be able to witness all of this. To see the charm, to hear what's left unsaid.

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And yet I have this thing, this weight that won't let go of me, this weight so heavy that it seems to be made of nothing but emptiness. And you know what ? I think I admire that too. I think it's a part of me. Does it have a name ? (I'd be curious to know where it comes from) or I'm just a girl deeply affected by some inexplicable lack, burden, emptiness. I feel like I've wasted ten years of my life.

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I knew, I always knew that I didn't want to live old. Is it sad ?

I've never made an attempt, I've never run away, never smoked, never cut deeply.

I feel like this is a dream, do I have the right to talk about feeling unwell when in reality everything I said is only in my head ? My body is fine, my parents love me and try to understand me, I have a roof over my head, so I guess my life is fine. Maybe I'm just a dreamer.

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Anyway, I'm glad to have a space where I can express myself like this. Thank you for reading