Therapy is a shit show. Is there any hope?

This is long, apologies in advance. Seeking other’s experiences and advice. Married for 12 years, together for 17, with a 10 year old who starts middle school next year.

He’s a great dad, and a wonderful person in many ways. We share values and interests, he’s super smart and has supported me through some tough times.

We’re on therapist number two. He hated therapist number one - to be fair she wasn’t amazing but I thought she was good enough. I love therapist two, she’s direct and focused on getting us to have productive conversations. We’ve been seeing her for a few months, maybe 6-8 sessions total so far.

Our problems stem from poor conflict management. He stonewalled, sometimes not speaking to me for days on end, for many years before I had a word to describe what was happening. He has depression and anxiety and it took me a long time to understand how fucked up and damaging this behavior really was. I threatened to leave when my kid got old enough that the behavior affected her (though honestly it probably did before then) and lo! He stopped doing it (more or less, there were stops and starts).

This was the pattern: I express my feelings or share feedback, he responds by a) getting defensive and talking about how most people would be so appreciative of him or b) talking about how he can’t do anything right and never will be able to. When confronted with this behavior he responds… in the same way, or by saying it’s not okay for him to share his feelings.

As a result I withdrew emotionally and physically from the relationship. Being honest with him wasn’t worth the fallout, but that resulted in me not wanting sex or any kind of intimacy really. He’s angry and sad about this.

He has worked on how he responds to me sharing feedback and gotten way, way better, however the pattern has come back with a vengeance in our last three therapy sessions. This week, therapist two named the pattern to him, framing it as him turning my statements about my feelings inward on himself. She suggested individual therapy (which therapist one also recommended for him). It resulted in more of the same, defensiveness, he can’t be honest, he’s doing all the work on our relationship and I’m not doing any (a truly bananas statement), we can’t address any of his concerns, therapy is wholly focused on what he does wrong and not what I do, etc etc.

I’m pretty shocked that we’re back here, given how much he’s improved at these behavior patterns in recent years. And I’m exhausted and angry. It’s going to take some work to get back to any kind of baseline after that shit he’s said in these sessions.

So… have any of you been in a similar place - therapy is a disaster and you feel worse than when you started - and seen things turn around? If so, any strategies you can suggest? Or should I abandon the shred of hope I have left?