I just don't know how to move forward... From all this ...

I grew up in a family where I mostly had to witness my dad beating up my mom. My dad used to hit her, and as the eldest daughter, I saw a lot of it. It broke my heart. I was constantly afraid that one day my mom might commit suicide because of everything she was going through.

Both of my parents work, so we are financially stable, but our family life was a disaster. When I was in 7th grade, there were constant arguments and physical fights at home. Almost every day there was some kind of conflict. One time, my mom went to her sister's house without telling my dad. When she came back, he hit her very badly.

I'm not sure whether my mom ever had an affair, but when I was in 8th grade I noticed that my dad monitored her constantly. He made her send her location and video call him every hour. He also questioned me frequently because I attended tuition classes, and he would ask me things related to my mom.

I know this might sound hypocritical. I believe in gender equality, but honestly, even if my mom did have an affair, I find it hard to judge her because I know how difficult her life has been. I feel like she married someone who made her life miserable.

I'm 16 years old now, and for the last three years my parents haven't fought the way they used to. Things seem calmer on the surface. But I think everything that happened still affects me more than I realize.

Last year, I was looking through my dad's phone and found screenshots of him on video calls with another woman, including explicit and naked images. It was extremely traumatic. I went to the bathroom and cried because I felt terrible for my mom. I didn't tell her because I knew it wouldn't change anything. I felt it would only cause her more pain.

I hoped my dad had stopped talking to that woman, but a few days ago I checked his phone again and saw they were still in contact.

Another issue is that I come from a very conservative family. My parents don't allow me to hang out with friends. Every time I ask my mom, she says things like, "Are you an awaara ladki that you always need to go out somewhere?" She says that if I want to go somewhere, she will take me herself. But whenever I go with her, she insists that I wear a hijab. She also says things like, "You look like a man," because I cut my hair.

A few months ago I tried sneaking out, and my dad beat me for it. I seriously resent him. I know he is my dad and he raised me, but I can't seem to find reasons to love him as a daughter. I don't feel like I have supportive parents.

They even broke the locks on my room because I cut my hair. I'm labeled as the rebel in my family, but now I'm exhausted from constantly screaming and arguing with them.

I also hate the fact that I shout at my mom too and even curse at her sometimes. It aches my heart because when I find myself doing that, I feel like I'm becoming more like my dad than I want to admit.

Sometimes I feel like there is no point in anything. On top of that, I'm extremely insecure about myself. It's not just because of the internet—I compare myself to my classmates too. My self-esteem is incredibly low.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've had suicidal thoughts for the past two years. I know people often say these thoughts are common in teenagers because of hormones, but I'm genuinely exhausted.

I've told many people about what I'm going through, but nothing has changed. A few months ago, I desperately wanted someone to listen to me and understand me. Now I barely even want that.

Most days I spend hours in my own head, constantly wondering whether I'm good enough. People keep telling me that I only have two more years left and then I'll be able to do whatever I want—that I'll finally escape all of this and have freedom. But when I imagine the future, I don't see everything magically getting better.

I feel like I'll still be the same person: someone with very low confidence who doesn't know how to love herself. Most people think I'm someone who is always in her head, kind of lost in her own world.

I used to be very religious, but now I don't even believe in that religion anymore. I've talked to a lot of people about it, and honestly, everyone seems to want me to go back to believing. I feel lost, and it feels like there is no end to this.

Things I used to find interesting don't interest me anymore. I want to study, but I don't know if I'm being dramatic about all of this. I just can't seem to do it. I barely even scroll through social media because it triggers my insecurities.

As I mentioned, I've been thinking about suicide for the past two years, but I don't think I would ever act on those thoughts. Still, day by day, my hope for life seems to get smaller. I don't even know what this feeling is anymore.

I'm just so tired of everything. I know that sometimes people get overwhelmed and simply have to push through difficult phases in life, but this feels different. It feels so hard just to keep going through it.