Had a panic attack last night when going out to karaoke for my friend's birthday

A bunch of little things piled up, and I completely lost my shit while at this karaoke bar. My friend (I'll call her Courtney for simplicity's sake) typically does a dinner reservation followed by karaoke for her people on her birthday. This is the first birthday where I've had issues. For context, I hate karaoke with a passion. It's loud, people are obnoxious, and it's a social situation where you're expected to actively participate no matter how bad you are at singing, all of which makes me want to jump out of my skin. I'm trans too, and while I hate bringing that up in seemingly every conversation, it's a factor that makes me even more afraid of karaoke because, despite lots of practice, my vocal register is still markedly (and uncomfortably for some people) different from that of cis women's voices. Sure, Courtney had rented a private booth for her people at this bar which alleviated some of the fear over that last point, but it still makes me feel inadequate.

Courtney knows I've been diagnosed with autism, and I want to stress she's been very supportive. I could normally go to her for support, but it ended up falling on my fiancée because my panic attack was that bad. On top of all those factors I mentioned, I had some severe stomach issues, had to camp out in the bathroom, and didn't realize there was no toilet paper left. I had to call my fiancée for help. As stupid as it sounds, that sent me over the edge into a full panic attack.

I was hot and sweaty, I felt gross, and worst of all I felt like a bitch for being like this when everyone else was having so much fun. I didn't tell Courtney I needed to leave or get some air or anything because I didn't want to bring the mood down at her birthday party. I don't want her to know how much I hate karaoke because she loves it and would undoubtedly be crushed to hear that.

I'm just so tired and embarrassed. I used to be able to do this kind of stuff much easier before I was diagnosed. Part of me wants to turn back time and convince myself not to get that assessment. I'd still hate karaoke for the same reasons, but at least I'd be able to function in that situation better. At least I wouldn't annoy the fuck out of my fiancée. She deserves better than my illness. And frankly Courtney does too.