Difficulties connecting to unborn baby - will it go away?

Trigger warning: >!miscarriage!<

When we decided to have a baby four years ago, I was pregnant almost immediately. I had a very uneventful first pregnancy and I LOVED being pregnant. I loved my baby way before I ever held her in my arms.

The second time around, we tried for a while. I was pregnant about 8 times in the past year and a half and it always ended in an early loss around week 6-9. I decided not to take any pregnancy ‘seriously‘ before week 12 to ‘guard my heart’. I could only scoff at movie scenes where women get excited over a positive pregnancy test. A positive pregnancy test meant nothing to me, I had one in almost every cycle. I think the whole experience left me a bit cynical.

I am 20 weeks pregnant today but I don‘t feel the excitement of my first pregnancy at all. I thought it would get better by week 12, but there is a lingering feeling of impending doom, like something will go wrong. I also don‘t feel any kicks yet so that also doesn‘t help. Before every checkup I imagine what could go wrong. Baby is always fine but I’m relieved for a second only. And I never really feel a connection to the baby. I also don‘t want to think of names yet and it drives my husband a little crazy I think… he is so excited and wants to talk about it and share his ideas!

I went to a therapist and she told me it will surely all be fine once I hold a healthy baby and it‘s not the worst idea to not get too excited. Do I really have to wait that long? Was anyone in a similar situation? Am I broken? :(