Disgust and hatred

I hoped to get better, but here I am again.

I keep feeling and seeing a pattern, people come and go too quickly and when I don't text first they are "forgetting many things/always sleep" so they dont text me, I had a close friend who studies psychology and he didn't texted me once since the 9th of MAY, mind you, we went to a pride in another country and etc, I was upset that we were in 4 and I, as the youngest was left out. (This was one of the many times things happened like this)

I stopped texting first to see which plants I'm uselessly still watering when they already are dead, and I see how many are there.

It's either this or everyone texts me to only talk about their own stuff (mostly with friends) and then disappear again. No "Hey how are you btw" or whatver the fuck companions should do. I genuinely hate this so much, I feel that itching feeling to relapse, but more i think of doing it more is the itch to just beat the living shit of anyone that treats me like this. Even because I'm 3 years suicide free and a year sh clean. I need better people, yet I end up with pieces of shit.

I tried and still am talking about this feeling to my psychologist, but I hate how it goes down to "we can work on this, to flow down this anger", makes me feel like a rabid animal, and it cages me in the "ohh poor boy, so misunderstood and volatile🥺🥺" stereotype, anyone who tries to water down my emotions gets the worst backlash from me, I do have some aggressive traits but because it was my only was to get listened to from all my life. But if I'm not bothered nor doing bad, I am a really nice person to be around, I love to talk about my hobbies and sharing interests with others and listening people talk about their favorite things, I just can't stand when people ONLY talk about their friends and themselves, like, bitch we are two here, you and me, not the stupid hoes around you. Or when they use me as their venting chat. I don't need more shit on me, get the fuck away from me.

I genuinely hope for some people to swim in piles of acidic shit.

The only person I care about in all ways is a friend of mine who's in Poland, she is really nice and I would die psychologically if she abandon me, I mourned a friend once like he died for real, just for him to come back 3 weeks later. I genuinely cried for days. No wonders why I can't stand people my age and immature morons.