I lost my only friend to suicide and the guilt is consuming me

My friend was struggling from depression for about 2 years. She recently committed suicide, and I am struggling to process the overwhelming guilt I feel.

​

I had left my phone at home to go grocery shopping. When I returned, I saw some suspicious texts from her. I immediately sent a message back and tried calling her, but she didn’t pick up. When I finally built up the courage to contact her mom, I received the devastating news, she was gone. My only friend is gone.

​

Since then, my trauma, anxiety, and fear have spiraled. I’m experiencing constant panic attacks, and my triggers have become all-consuming. Whenever I don’t hear back from someone right away, I immediately assume they have killed themselves or are in grave danger. I find it difficult to eat and function because I’m terrified that someone might be having an emergency and I need to be ready to help.

​

I keep telling myself that my lack of availability killed my friend. I feel like I don’t deserve to have a friend, and I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like I'm the worst person in the world.