Is there a place where I can just listen and talk about my SA or SI?

I'm searching for a chat room, an app, or a Discord server where I can just talk about suicide, being suicidal, and our reasons for it.

I'm not looking for a helpline. Those don't work. I just want to be somewhere where people express themselves and are listened to or heard. I just want to matter somewhere.

I'm 17, have no friends, my only family is my mother, no school (homeschooled), and no other family.

My mother and I have never been okay. Ever since I can remember (about 8), she and I have been arguing. She would chase me out of the house at least four times a week, telling me to get the fuck out of her house, that she has disowned me. And whenever I lingered outside, she would chase me away. I would always be told to 'get the fuck in and shut up' after a few hours had passed.

Sometimes I left completely, knowing I'm not wanted, and a few days would pass. I'd get recognized, and people would take me back to her because she put a missing persons report out. Whenever the cops asked why, they never believed me. They all said, 'We went through the same thing, but we didn't act idiotic and leave completely."

How am I supposed to know that? How does that change the fact that it happened? I can't even explain what's going on because people are biased. My mother always tells me what to tell them. It's always a lie. "If they ask, tell them you go to school. That you and I are fine, we even dance together. That I clean and cook, and you only occasionally help out. If you don't, then they won't believe you, and you'll go to boarding schools for troubled kids. they torture kids there, so do as I say"

She is a single mom and Im and only daughter, if I told the full truth no one would listen and I would be the one in the wrong cause she's a 'single mother and I'm a girl child'

I'm always in the wrong. Always the inconsiderate one, the one who doesn't listen, the one who takes advantage, the disappointment, incapable, unfeeling, ungrateful, stupid, pathetic, selfish, unteachable. I'm supposed to be the responsible one who does what I'm supposed to do and provide her with the mental and emotional support she needs and asks for, but also the child who should learn. We fight almost every day, but I never understand why. She never tells me. We rarely talk. she only calls me to do something for her in the evening, usually to cook food and clean the house and other stuff like that I'm supposed to do.

Ever since I was 8, I was responsible for laundry (by hand), cooking, cleaning, and any house maintenance. I do the shopping, and I'm also supposed to teach myself.'Just open the book and read what's there, then do the exams at the end and give them to me so I can mark them,' she often told me.

She rarely marked anything, 'she's too busy.' And when I never stuck with the learning, I was at fault because clearly the books are there! So me not reading is a choice I'm making.

I'm responsible for what I choose to feel and what I react to and how my mind chooses to develop, but I'm also the reason for most of her mistakes and the responsible one for her emotional and mental state. I must provide support, or else I'm sabotaging her AND myself."

I'm not allowed to leave the house unless it's to go to the shops. I'm not allowed TV or any other entertainment. If I ask enough times and do something she thinks is worth a reward, I might get 15-30 minutes with one of her phones.

I'm tired: the emotional gaslighting, the mental gymnastics. I just want long, unending rest where I'm not the reason for anything, where I just am.

first attempt was at 10. I've tried multiple times. I'm afraid it might not work. She says nothing she's ever done is responsible. She has provided shelter and food; that's all her responsibility is. That I choose to feel what I feel, I choose to be hurt, and she says I'm not worth her electricity or food if I'm going to keep trying to end myself. That is all I ever hear.

Now I'm 17, tired and exhausted, academically stunted with no certificates of any kind to even prove I finished kindergarten and unsure of how to even talk to a person one-on-one. Hell I'm unsure if what I feel is real or if I'm gaslighting myself to thinking I'm hurt. Idk that's what I'm told.

Maybe it's true.

I just want a place where I can, at the least, talk or be heard.

(So sorry for the long rant, I'm sure no one's gonna read it all. And to whoever did...I'm so sorry for wasting your time.)