A year later, my friendship breakup has made my mental health the worst it’s ever been.

I met my ex-friend S when we were 22 years old in grad school. We had been friends for 8 years, met each other's families - her son even has my childhood toys.

A year ago, I celebrated my 30th birthday on a girls' trip. The only thing that went "wrong" was my friend Lauren met us later in the trip, had 2 drinks over 4 hours, and drove me and S back to the airbnb. the rest of the girls took an uber. S then said I risked her life and her son's life (her son was not at the party) by letting her get in the car. We made it home safe, but I apologized multiple times and said I would never do that again.

After the trip, S refused to speak to me because she needed to "gather her thoughts". 3 weeks later, I got her on a call - she was pissed I didn't know why she was upset. She immediately asked me if I didn't think it was childish that I asked her in front of my "wealthy friends", if she got her bathing suit from China. (I asked her if she got it from Tik tok shop, because it was cute). That I demeaned her when I asked her if she'd been to a certain restaurant with the inflection "You've been there?" (it's one of my favorite places and I was sad we never went together). And that I bragged about getting her on to set with Kevin Hart like she was some "poor little girl". (I work in entertainment and always try to get my friends jobs and was excited about it).

I was flabbergasted - I told her that I would never purposefully demean her and in fact, I was telling the other girls how amazing she was and how excited I was for them to meet her. She wouldn't have any of it - she said that she didn't want to be in this friendship anymore. Nothing I said convinced her otherwise.

She said I've become a very negative, jealous person, that I'm jealous of her, and can't be happy for others. She said she's been feeling this way for months, but couldn't give me specific examples. She got into an acting competition and instead of me saying congratulations, I apparently asked "how did you get it?". She didn't like that and said it was proof of how unsupportive I was.

Some context of my birthday trip was that Lauren came late, because she just went through a pretty tragic breakup. She has a history of dating abusers and addicts. I didn't expect her to come, but she wanted to. S went on to imply that I was a bad friend because I "forced" Lauren to be there, when she should have been healing. I was telling the group the story (L trauma dumps constantly and I wanted them to be prepared) and S went on to say she couldn't trust me - if I was talking about L behind her back, then she knew I was talking about her as well. If anything, I was telling them what happened and that L would be joining us because she had to move out.

S went on to say she's never felt so demeaned and the person she saw on the trip (me) was deeply unkind and she can't have negative, jealous and narcissistic people like me in her life.Two other girls on the trip are shocked by the behavior, because they said everything seemed so normal.

I’m in therapy and have only regressed. Every session I spend sobbing because my entire community and sense of safety has vanished. I introduced her to one of my friends of 12 years, and they continue to support each other on Instagram and that friend now won’t even open my DM’s. How do you grieve someone who is still alive?