I was training to be a desk pet and it has ruined me emotionally

My ex and I had a very sexual relationship because it was long distance.

The fantasies we shared and the things I did for him as part of my training felt so intense. I was always very imaginative but never shared them with others because my partners were quite vanilla unless they wanted group play, which I’ve tried and wasn’t interested in. I’ve never cried after cumming before. Like deep sobbing from the intense pleasure I received. We fantasized me quitting work to just live under his desk for free use. He’d pay for my sugaring and make sure to present myself to him before and after. I would pose and take photos and videos for him to show off what a good sub I was and stretch my holes as much as I could. I didn’t think “sub space” was really a place I could ever achieve but I did. I dreamt of taking care of them and being dotted on.

So when we broke up my body felt like it went into shock. Like my body couldn’t cum for the longest time without him. I was so angry, sad and worried.

It’s been months and I’ve had sex twice, but it doesn’t feel as good as when I was a pet- fucking myself with all the toys. I just feel like I’m performing so I can scratch an itch.

I think about my ex often and how I feel like I’ll never feel as safe and open as I did with him. That I’ll never cum like that with someone ever again.

Sure there are other men who prob could be a good master to me but I feel so helpless finding these kind of men because when I’ve tried, they’ll do something that makes me feel gross.