I relapsed on benzos I don’t remember the last week of my life. I went to work cops were called my coworkers told my boss I’m suicidal

I used my amazing manipulation skills and convinced my doctor to prescribe me benzodiazepines. She didn’t want to. I knew what I was going to do. I took half of my 30 1mg Ativan’s (15) in one day. I was off work so I stayed home. The next day I took the other half and drove to work. Obviously blacked out, I made it. On my lunch hour I drove to my normal gas station sleep spot cuz I hate my life and sleep whenever I can. I must have been driving crazy cuz someone called the cops on me. I was asleep when he arrived. Thank god for the workers at the gas station telling the cop I always came to the gas station to sleep or i would have went to jail. I don’t remember any of this. The cop wouldn’t let me drive away drowsy so I called my coworker. I scared the shit out of all my coworkers cuz I was acting crazy as hell. They told my boss I was suicidal my two work friends cried. This is what I was told. I remember none of it. It was awful. 😣 I just want to die all the time. I don’t want to go back to heroin but I’m on my way. Why do I feel like this? It never goes away. 6 years off drugs this feeling never left. I know I put a lot of people in danger. And I’m sorry.