My really good friend passed away, but I feel like I’m not allowed to mourn him

2 years ago, I met Nick through a mutual friend and my now boyfriend. We were online friends and we played video games together and texted back and forth. He was very funny and lit up a PS5 party, now I see it may have been a cry for help.

He was so sweet and hardworking. When I needed medicine for my ear infection but couldn’t afford it, he offered to pay for it. When I was upset he checked up on me and cheered me up a little. He was an amazing person and I had only known him for a couple years. He came into my life when I was suicidal and helped quite a bit.

Months after we met he started dating a girl and we didn’t talk as often after they got together but he still talked to me anytime he could, because she was the unreasonably jealous type. Life also got in the way so I didn’t talk to him as much as I could’ve. At some point before they dated, he was drunk and sent me a dick pic that I didn’t want or care for. He has apologized and I honestly forgot about it until a few months ago when his gf snooped through his phone and found record of it from years ago. She told him to block me and so he did, so when we talked it was through my boyfriend’s phone and PlayStation parties. Before this I tried to force myself to like her for Nick’s sake even though he’d talk about them always having arguments over dumb things and even referred to her as ‘Hell’ just a couple weeks ago.

Last night me and my boyfriend woke up to a picture of his face, without knowing that was his way of saying goodbye. His brother texted and called us to let us know and we both cried so hard for hours after that our eyes swelled up. I tried to text his girlfriend, and simply ask how she is and she said ‘I gonna need you to not talk to me’ and I blocked her. I understand she may be emotional but I solely just think she doesn’t like me over something that happened years ago before they even got. I also texted her because I was trying to see if it was true that he was really gone. His brother told us that he quit his job this morning (possibly as a result of a fight with his coworker) and walked home. His coworker saw him walking and offered him a ride but he declined. He wrote a note to his girlfriend and committed suicide. We don’t know how he did it but his brother was trying to let everyone in his contacts know.

I feel like I’m not even allowed to mourn him because his girlfriend hates me. She’s making me seem like a homewrecker when in reality she probably drove him to do what he did. My boyfriend also believes that she may have been the reason for his death. I want to send a letter to his mom and brother but I feel like I’ll just make things worse. The least I can do is send money for the funeral. I’m not trying to make this about me, because it’s not but I feel like me mourning my friend, attending the (possibly virtual) funeral and helping the family out will just make things worse. I don’t know what to do. I miss him. I love him even though I never said it