Prayers re. deteriorating mental health

I’m posting here because I literally have nobody else to turn to, I can’t talk to anyone about this.

For the last month or so, I have been sinking slowly into a depression. I do have a history of this so this is nothing new, except I was unsaved then. I was saved Oct 2024 and it’s never been quite this bad.

For the last week or so, I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. I won’t actually do it, it’s just there in the back of my mind. I get this internal voice saying I would be better off, theres no point, etc.

I see people that are happy and it breaks me on the inside. You can tell when people are genuinely happy by their eyes. I look into mine and it’s just empty.

I work for my church. My boss (also the pastor) knows I struggle at times, but he doesn’t really offer any support. On top of that whenever I have conflict with my husband it makes everything worse. I’m not close to my family. I don’t really have many friends.

I feel deeply alone. I’ve been running from God. I had a good week last week in terms of studying the Bible, praying a lot more, etc. then everything seemed to just take a turn. I’ve barely gotten out of bed this week. I don’t think God sees me.

I feel so unloveable and completely unwanted by everyone in my life, God included. And it makes these thoughts worse, and it solidifies my belief that maybe I really shouldn’t be here and there’s only one end to this.

I know God may not ever heal me in this lifetime. But I don’t see Him in my situation either.

I am considering therapy. I had a recent Drs appt and they gave me more anxiety medication. I stopped taking it after a couple months as my symptoms improved and I was fine for a good while until recently. This has seemed to come out of nowhere because nothing has triggered this.

I would deeply appreciate some prayers and some wisdom. People always refer to therapy etc but I also would love some spiritual advice and prayer. That’s what I’m lacking the most.

Thank you.