I suspect I experienced an incident of sexual abuse as a child, but that’s not even what I’m most upset about

TW: suspected CSA

When I was 8yo, I spent the night at my babysitter’s house for the first and only time. Her mother and my mother were out at some event that night, but my babysitter (15yo), her older brother (17yo) and their dad was there. I never saw the dad as he stayed in the master bedroom playing video games the whole time.

I have two distinct memories of the night: her letting me use her conditioner which made my hair feel softer than I had ever felt before. And being given a Diet Coke in a glass later that evening that tasted weird. I had Diet Coke at home all the time and it had never tasted like that before.

No memory for the rest of the night.

The next morning, I woke up on the couch with no pajama pants or underwear on and no blanket covering me. I remember nothing else about that morning except feeling a great sense of shame.

To be clear, I had no history of bed wetting. No history of randomly taking my clothes off in the middle of the night. Nothing like that.

So, a few years ago I was passing through Las Vegas and visited my old babysitter, who is now in her early 40s. Her brother has been in prison for a few years for drug issues. I brought up that night to her and asked her if she remembered anything weird. She said no, not at all. I specifically asked if she remembered whether her brother had been the one to pour the drink in the glass. She said she thought so, but what did that matter anyway? She specifically said “You know he’s gay now, right? So I doubt he would have done anything to you.”

I dropped the issue. I felt like it wasn’t going anywhere.

A few more years go by and I’m in joint therapy with my mom. I bring up that night and ask her if she remembers if I said anything the next morning. She said she remembered me saying “Mommy, I don’t ever want to stay there again.” but she said she figured it was because the house smelled like cat pee and the parents were hoarders.

Freaking record scratch moment for me.

I felt like this was such a throwaway line that made me think, what the hell mom? Why were you letting me stay overnight in a dirty, piss-soaked house in the first place?

Now a few more years have gone by and I have a 14mo of my own. And sometimes this whole thing pops back into my head and I feel so angry that my mom allowed me to be put in such a position to begin with. Why did she have me stay there that night? Why didn’t I just stay home with my dad and little sister? Or why didn’t the babysitter come stay overnight at OUR house?

I’ll never know what actually happened that night and I’ve learned to live with that. But now I feel this lingering resentment toward my mom because I just can’t imagine knowing a house is filthy and letting my child stay there anyway…