Feeling guilty. Looking for constructive criticism because I need it. It's OK...bring it please.

I have a 2.5 year old son and a soon to be 4 year old son. My 4 year old son has always been difficult. I suspect some sort of processing disorder or ADHD. Autism has been ruled out. He is just extremely defiant, emotional, and aggressive. He is also very sweet and empathetic and kind. His meltdowns last sometimes over an hour, although since getting closer to 4 they have been less often. Still long and dramatic though.

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My 2.5 year old is opposite. Always been easy. Since entering his two's, however he has obviously gotten more difficult with more tantrums, more boundaries testing, but ultimately still not bad.

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I am just so badly at my wits end. Every morning I give myself a pep talk and tell myself I need to do better. Then I actually get up and the chaos starts right away. My temper is so so so short and I hate it. I feel like I am constantly being short, snapping, and even yelling at them, because talking to them does not work. They laugh in my face. Nothing works until dad comes in and yells.

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I'll give a perfect example- Yesterday my 3 year old decided he did not want to go to the store. He was whining and eventually just started yelling in anger "AHHHHHHH!" every few minutes in the store to make his point. First, I told him no toy because I was going to get them chalk paint but his behavior lost him that. That didn't help, it made it worse. So then I said OK then we are just gonna let daddy and 2 year old keep shopping and he and I were gonna go wait in the car because he was not gonna just scream in the store. We wait in the car. He is furious. Still screaming. We get home, it doesn't get better so husband demands he goes in his room. He goes in his room and proceeds to push over his rocking chair, pull his crib from the wall, knock his crib over. I tell him to tell me when he is ready to clean up and then he can leave his room and we will take a bath. He continues to destroy his room and throw books at the wall. Husband isn't having it. Goes into his room and starts yelling "PICK IT ALL UP" surprisingly he does clean it all up and then is in a better mood. I am exhausted and angry though.

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This morning he woke up early cuz he wet through his pull up (he fully potty trained except when he sleeps at night) I change it and then go back to bed. I forgot to lock his door when I left. We have to lock his door at night from the outside because he can open the doors even with the door knob things on and he will just leave his room in the middle of the night and fuck shit up if we dont. 2 year old starts crying cuz he woke up so I rush up to get my teeth brushed and then go get the boys for the morning-giving myself a pep talk to start the day well.

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3 year old got out of his room, somehow, I have no idea how, got his brother out of his crib and the two of them went into my office, pulled my laptop down, pulled the dog crate into the office and in general just destroyed my office. Thank got my company owned laptop was not harmed.

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Now I am pissed. I bark at everyone to go to their rooms so I can get them dressed. We go downstairs for breakfast. 3 year old dumps all his eggs on the floor. I again, bark at him to clean it up and bring him a broom. He gives it a try then starts flinging the broom every where and the eggs go everywhere. Now it is a bigger mess. At this point I just grab his arm and throw him outside and lock the door (fenced in back yard) Hes visibly sad and mad. I sweep it up and then tell him to come inside and hold the pan and I sweep it in there and then tell him to throw it in the trash. He agrees and the rest of the morning is OK.

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I can just tell they are both mad and sad when I am short and snap at them....yes it seems constantly. But how do I not? They are just CONSTANTLY fucking shit up, fighting, hurting each other, doing things they know they are not supposed to do and then when I try to follow through on consequences, redirecting, they just freak out. Nothing seems to stick, nothing seems to work. I see their little faces when I am "mean" and it snaps me back to reality and I try to do better but the cycle just continues. I always imagined myself as the patient, kind, soft, mom that just gives her children the time and attention needed to teach them and guide them, but it just isn't turning out that way.

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What can I do differently?