Lack of self-confidence, fear of messing up again.

I'm a 23-year-old guy. The last 5 years of my life have been especially hard. After starting university, I fell into depression. I couldn't sleep and had no energy to do anything. My grades got worse. Then in 2023, my dad died. Even though my parents were divorced and I didn't see my dad very often, and to be honest he wasn't great as a parent, he wasn't a bad person and I truly loved him. Then, exactly a month later, my grandfather (dad's father) passed away. I was forced to move away from my mom, stepdad, and brothers to live with my grandmother (dad's mother) because she is old and very afraid of being alone. Living with her is very hard — she is overbearing, and on top of that, after these losses, she started having health problems. I've been feeling terrible throughout all of this too. Six months later, my other grandfather (mom's father) had a stroke, leaving him paralyzed, and he died another six months later. It was all awful. On top of everything, I got kicked out of university and wanted to end my life because my family was counting on me (I'm the oldest child) to graduate, find a job, and help.

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Mental healthcare in my country is very poor. I saw a doctor, but all I got were prescriptions for meds that didn't help much and that I can't always afford. I tried very hard and got back into university, somehow passed the state exam, and now I only need to defend my thesis. But I'm so scared that I won't make it. These last few years, nothing has worked out for me. I even stopped playing music, and I've gotten much worse at video games, even though I always loved it and used to be good at it. I don't know what I'll do if I fail. I have absolutely no faith in myself. Even before all these events, life was hard, and honestly, I just don't believe things will get better.

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Because of my parents' divorce, we moved often and I changed schools many times. Most of my family struggles with alcoholism. I've always been lonely and never had a girlfriend. People either used me in hurtful ways or friend-zoned me. The only good thing in my life is my friends, but I feel like I'm just a burden to them. They always help me, but nothing works out for me, and that makes me feel even worse. I'm terrified of messing up again. I don't want to disappoint everyone again. I don't know English well, so I'm using a translator.