Why aren't there any other lesbians who feel the same way as me?

Does anyone experience this kind of C-PTSD

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Hi

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So I am a lesbian (18F) I was born in Türkiye (I don't want to share my city) and grew up in a very conservative city. I had four older brothers; three of them were veiled misogynists and homophobes. My other brother was normal, but I don't want to talk about him. I also have a twin sister who has the exact same life experiences as me; we have very small differences. To get to the point, because my family and the city I grew up in are quite conservative, I hide myself. I'll probably continue doing this until I'm 25-26 (at best). Until then, I live as if I don't have an arm.

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During this process, I'm like invisible, I don't feel alive. Sometimes I feel like transparent colors. Because I can't feel my existence, I started watching lesbian films. I saw this as a safe haven, a refuge. Sometimes I would come across heterosexual sexual scenes, and in the first few seconds, I would clench my teeth, my eyes would narrow, then I would start feeling angry. Within two minutes, I would start crying, hitting things, my breathing would become irregular, my heart rhythm would be disrupted, and my anger would increase. I would suddenly turn off the film, I would feel the urge to throw the phone somewhere (I didn't, of course), and I would feel the urge to gouge out my eyes in anger (of course). I wasn't doing that either.) Then I'd calm down and watch a movie I knew was safe, and it would pass (or so I thought). Then today I watched a lesbian movie, encountered a rape scene, and went out and watched another lesbian movie (it looked quite sweet). I saw two detailed heterosexual sex scenes in a row. When I experienced this in the place I coded in my brain as an escape route, I suddenly stopped. My routine crisis repeated itself, but this time I felt shattered. I thought this wasn't normal, so I researched it and found out I have post-traumatic stress disorder. I've never seen such trauma in other lesbians. Are there other lesbians who experience this? When I watch these scenes, the things my brain tells me are so terrifying; I'm filled with hatred and anger, it feels like it's killing me, When I look back on my life, I see that I grew up surrounded by anger, that I used it as a weapon against what was done to me. Anger and hatred became my home; hating makes me feel alive, it's a way of reacting to what's done to me. and I can be triggered by the smallest things. It doesn't have to be heterosexual sex scenes; generally, when I see sympathy, romantic or sexual attraction towards men in other people, it triggers me. I feel threatened.The funny thing is, I don't want to give up on this, or rather, I'm confused at this point. It's like if I give up, they'll win, like I'll surrender. I feel like if I watch these scenes that are being imposed on me and accept them as normal, I'll be denying what's being done to me, denying my feelings. And I have this thought, "This imposition isn't normal, and that's why I'm reacting so strongly. It will never be normal, so my reaction will continue." It's a feeling that outweighs the thought and controls me, and it's exhausting me. Is there anyone else experiencing this? Is there anyone who has experienced the same specific trauma?

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(English is not my native language o translated it sorry for the mistakes)