idk about anything anymore

Hi,
I've always known at a very early age that I am attracted to men and women (dated both before) and I identified myself currently as pan.

I am currently in a relationship of almost 6 years (with on n off) we share great connection and communication, we get well with one another, lots of laughs but there is no sexual chemistry from my side. I always thought it was related to my sexual trauma I had in the past with men and it will take years for me to detangle from this mess and that I might be on the ace spectrum.

Recently I went into this bipoc queer retreat, where the whole group was basically bipoc afab. While in the retreat I made a several connections in which I have never experienced it in my previous relationships with men and with the women I dated before, I had that but I always thought okay maybe it's just a person thing so I shouldn't exclude my attraction to men.

But when it comes to emotional and spiritual connection, I could really let myself go and feel these emotions and love from my female partners and I never felt that with any men I have dated before. I am starting to wonder if maybe my attraction to men is just a CompHet thing and me having the fantasy that I will have a deeply emotional and spiritual connection with them when all my experiences with them are very mild to low and I thought I should accept it that we are very different and that I won't feel fully seen except by myself.

But after the retreat it made me question so much about it and it felt so nice to be free and myself, emotionally, physically, spiritually and all. I felt so supported and loved throughout the mess that I am by my friends who also joined.

I felt like I wasn't scared of sexual intimacy at all and I felt free to express it, dancing and feeling confident in my own body. Embodying and embracing this vessel of mine, spiritually that is so full of love in that space.

I'm really lost because I feel so torn about my relationship right now with a man and I don't know to to tackle this, I love him very much as a whole being and person but it breaks my heart that I cannot fulfill to be the partner he needs.

Any advise? ways for me to understand?

ps sorry if it's a bit of a mess to read, I feel like this as well lol