(Mods please don't take this down) I(24f) have started feeling unsafe around my partner (29M)

I'm feeling a bit scared as I even write this because once my partner comes back, he'll randomly check my reddit and get mad at me if he finds out that I went on reddit to share about our relationship,which in turn would direct people's bad wishes at him....

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I am in a toxic relationship and I know that very well. I have recently started going to therapy while he's not here and I'm waiting to go for my second session this week. Since he's gone to his hometown,I've had a lot of time by myself alone and unlike the other times when he went away this time i can't get his words out of my head,and his response to me bringing it up is making it worse .

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Usually when he goes away, I have limited interaction s with him,but somehow I always end up looking past the bad and end up romanticising about a version of him I wish was there. This time things are different, he's been constantly ignoring me, very rarely replying to me on time , sometimes taking a day to reply. This was giving me anxiety so i finally said to him and his reply was that he put on mute by mistake and that he's high most of the time ,which meant that he was ignoring me all this time while he was at some farmhouse wasted with his friends.

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This guy has anger issues and has said some of the wildest things to me in the past like "people like you should just die", "you deserve depression and being sad all the time", "tu jhaant barabar bhi nahi hai mere, tere pure khandan ko khareed sakta hu".... (Hindi for : you don't even come close to my pubic hair, i can buy your whole family, you're worth nothing "But the worst of it all was " women like you should be raped again and again ,til they're shown that their place is always below a man" ...... The apology he gave was "sorry,you know I'm not like that, I just wanted to hurt you because you didn't take my side".....

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He left the day after that episode but i brought that up to him ,that it's eating me up and I can't talk to him the same way. Some paragraphs later,he just said that "I'm a mad , depressed soul, without any control over his words, you should leave me"... And the next morning he says " stop trying to fix me and emotionally abuse me with all this talk"...

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I've been trying not to talk to him but some nights I get very anxious and find it hard to sleep, I live alone so it makes it tougher. I told him about my anxiety and he kinda dismissed it and just said that ok ,I'll say a ttyl or brb. When I somehow brought up the arguments and how he never really apologised , he said that talk to me if you can move on from that,stop mentioning that . He previously even said that he feels bad for all this but he doesn't feel the guilt and that there's so much guilt from his last relationship that he's become cold to everything now.

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I just don't get it why he's been traumatizing me since the last 8 months, he's not over his ex of 7 years, looking for arranged marriage and not leaving me .

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I know it's all my fault, that I let all this happen ,but how do I stop it. Last night he started talking like nothing happened, saying stuff like "where will we make out when I come back " and that made me uncomfortable, i pictured him and could only see lust in his eyes. Like if we were out at night with one of his male friends,i wouldn't feel safe because I had him . I know that it was never healthy,it was never love but all this time there was at least this sense of companionship and someone to go back to,now even that has gone...