letting you go

This is the first time I gathered all my courage to face it, that I have to let you go.

Not because, I want to or that I found someone or that I do not love you anymore.

But I reread the whole chat. All the times you said you wanted to end because you feel like we were incompatible. The times you said I was overwhelming you.

I know maybe if I was older, we would’ve been more align. I know you didn’t like me clubbing and that was one of your dealbreaker. To be honest, I don’t like it either. I genuinely only do it to grow connections. All the times I go alone with people I don’t enjoy going with was just for building that up. The girl I was with that day helped me with an internship to hsbc, I am going china in September. But all that for the end of our relationship, I still think back and always question was that worth it.

If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have traded that for the relationship I had with you. I know you were quite skeptical about me. The way I had guy friends, the way we started out and guys were texting me or calling me randomly. I really had nothing going on with them when I met you. And my guy friends, girls as well, they were as excited as I was to meet you. Because they know how rare it is for me to like someone and get into something serious. Their heart broke for me too knowing I was so in love with you. They were cheering for us too.

I think you don’t really know me but maybe one day if you see this, you will realise— I am someone that loves intentionally. Even after we end, I am here writing my feelings. I don’t do that for anyone. I don’t just forget and move on like nothing happened. It takes me a really long time to let go and find someone that I love. I don’t have any back ups. I am not texting anyone. It was just you from start till the end. It hurt so badly I even started writing a book. I tear up at random times in the day.

There was a lot of things I wanted to do with you. There were many more cards, surprise morning paragraphs, overseas trips, was excited to surprise you in japan, I was really happy for you knowing you wanted to do something you love. I wanted to make a special birthday for you because you said nobody really celebrated it properly for you. I know my way of loving might be intense but I never expected anything back in return from you. I was happy with how you treated me. I didn’t see me doing ‘more’ or you being any less. But I am sorry it overwhelmed you.

I think we were quite compatible in terms of how we love, banter, communicated. I felt you were the most compatible guy I have ever met actually. The guy I saw who valued kindness as much as I do, the guy that grounds me and tells me how to better myself, the guy that can joke around and also reflect together, the guy that could be vulnerable with me. You are such an ambitious man, a caring loving brother to your sister, a great son to your family. I saw a future with you and I wanted to be part of it. I think you would’ve made a great dad.

I’m really not sure how I would find someone that made me feel as seen as you did. Someone that sits on the bed and hear me be a news anchorwoman. Someone that brought my inner child but also could be serious about important matters. Maybe that was the hardest part of letting go. Knowing I have to let go of the man that I love so much and wanted so badly.

Sometimes I hope that maybe life can bring us back once more in the future when I have everything in place. But more importantly other than that I hope the world still be kind to you. That all your trouble and self-doubts would wash away and maybe one day you can see yourself in the way I see you. I am proud of who you are and how hard you try. I know deep down the layers you have things you feel unworthy of and you carry those emotions of being an imposter but honestly, you are the pillar of everything in your life. Your family, your friendships, your work, you hold it all together. I felt the pride of being yours for that brief time we had, I am sure the important people in your life feel much more than I do.

If you’re curious about how I am doing, I am still happy with my life with or without you. Because I know I can stand strong no matter what hits me. I handle my emotions pretty well and nothing really bothers me I know it will past someday, just needs time. So I allowed myself to be sad, to be so proud of myself that I loved sincerely, to look back with no regrets. I have been working out a lot, 5am wake up runs again to see the sunrise, maybe too much working and working out. I meet my friends eat and go home write my book, pretty much it. Phone hasn’t been blowing up, no guys I am seeing, no one I’d rather be writing paragraphs for.

This is me letting you go. I am not closing the door shut but one day, if you want to try again, I will be here. I really love you. There isn’t anyone I love more or want to love. I told myself you were the last person I would want to try for. I think I am quite tired as well of breaking up and starting over to learn someone else favourite colour. So over the next I dont know few years, I just want to be alone and focus on my career, I want to volunteer and make a difference.

If you love someone else and settle down with her I would be happy. Because I know how rare it is for you to love someone to know she is the right one. I would be praying for the best for you, you deserve all the happiness in the world. I hope she holds you tightly and love you as much as I do. She has to treat you well. It might sting a little, might tear a lot more than I think I would one day knowing I am not the one walking down the aisle but at least I know you found your person.

You held a space in my heart that nobody came close to. You are in my notes, my heart, my chatgpt, my ig, my telechannel, google maps, you exist in little things that perhaps you wouldn’t realise. And there will always be hints of it that you are still remembered by me even if I am not here talking about you.

I will always think of you when I see udon, when I hear gastrobeats, when I see the number 3 of the day you texted me, when I walk past places we been, when I go near the northeast, when I go japan, when I see the moon.

I love you, no words can describe how much I do.
Thank you for being in my world once, you brought out a version of myself that nobody saw. Please drive safe and not use your phone while you drive too. I wouldn’t sleep well knowing something happens to you.