I desperately need to conquer my cuck fantasy issue

and I say desperately because no source or peer I know of has the issue the way I have it. I deem my issue is anima related. readings of emma jung led me here.

I am sure it has something to do with the way I was brought up too (and I can't afford therapy).

I've seen many men and women post about "I enjoy the view of my partner..." or ideas of power exchange, inferiority complex, porn-based issues or... and the focus almost exclusively is on the "bull", which represents what they lack.

my issue is precisely that I don't care about the bull. my deepest pain is having a partner with an active animus which I can't have. this partner therefore enjoys sex for what it is, and has aspirations of her own, and her own capacity to enjoy life.

on top of that, the idea of her anima being in service of another man is so incredibly painful that it instantly converts it into arousal. it represents the nurturing that anyone other than me would deserve. the acts I imagine have emotional weight without exception. even if the dynamic is purely sexual -which is rare- it's really the idea of her "being in service of another person's pleasure" for nurturing reasons, and worse, enjoyment. purely "feeling" issue.

reading that back, I guess you could say enjoying another person's joy is called love. I may simply be feeling unlovable.

I do remember my mother being a completely unbalanced individual, who'd never have anything in order (ranging from the house, our life, to her own feelings), and I also remember her clearly withholding affection and giving it to other people in order to punish me. I guess then I got the idea that "I don't deserve".

I also often felt my she may get inappropriately close to me (especially emotionally), and she was also very... allergic to masculinity. growing up, she repeatedly told me she wishes I was a girl, and any show of independence or masculinity was... "icked" upon.

I was also exposed to pornography at 6 years old and been sexually active since 5.

I cannot find any solution to this. I've tried quitting porn, complete celibacy (temporarily helped), and... but it's a little itch in my shadow that controls my life whenever I don't pay mind to it. it's really painful.

I deem the problem is deep-lying, and I hoped there'd be fundamental solutions, so I ended up here.

ty.