Fear of growing my own family...

Just recently realized why I was always shocked about the people who dreamt of growing their family, having children, home, garden... Apologies if I'm politically incorrect but in general most people have this kind of dream and family is a huge part of their happiness in life. I didn't understand that for a very long time... I was afraid of becoming and adult because I would "have to" live the same life ...

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As an adult I learned that my fear came mostly from childhood trauma. But took me much, much longer to realize that what I was afraid of was autistic family dynamics... Usually families aren't THAT cold and indifferent to each other, maybe arranged marriages but even they, at least they love their children, parents.. I saw my mum and grandparents isolating themselves in different rooms, leaving me and my sister also isolated (of course from each other too, the best thing in life is solitude!). I saw cluttered house with no soul in it, the warehouse would look more stylish and cosy. Collections of weird items, endless monologues about science, literature. Family functioning like a bunch of robots. And I believed that most people live like this, that adulthood and creating family is grey and people do it because there's no other way of life (I think in those times in my culture it was true btw). So how could I dream about getting married just to mutually ignore each other till death do us part? About having children if they're just annoying burden and Your only interaction with them is disciplining and criticizing them to finally behave like English upper class (we're not even English btw but English classical literature is my mum's special interest and she likes to cosplay it.....). Why have a house if it looks like one big storage and creates even more burden? And which looks more like monk's cell then a home, no decorations, no warmth? Why dream of living in the village/outskirts if it's mostly about local community from which my parents isolated me? And I felt I would be outcast everywhere so maybe better to live somewhere where everyone is lonely so I don't get jealous? We spent holidays in the village where our other relatives live and I felt extremely isolated as I believed that my parents look funny to everyone and people are kind but think of us like a bunch of weirdos.

I think I never really understood what kind of feelings people had when planning to have their own family and home. I'm starting to understand that now. And I'm not getting younger and my looks are deteriorating very quickly but I'm actually attracting more and better men than many years ago. Because maybe I'm becoming warmer, more mature, more human... I can finally understand someone family oriented and not reject him because of my... Fear of isolation. How ironic. Sorry, just had to vent