repost because i tried to just post my creamy coconut dr pepper😂  
this is a long one. i need unbiased opinions as i feel like i can't trust my own brain. creamy coconut dr pepper and pen vape combo. literally my only sustenance this week.  
i'm 23. my fiance is 24. we've been together for 7 years and have two young babies (7 months and 22 months. genuinely the best babies ever i got super lucky!!) my fiance has had a porn addiction our entire relationship. to the point he's texted multiple women and men, just for nudes at first/sexting and it escalated to him trying to meet people for threesomes but never actually committing. (in my mind it doesn't matter that he didn't do it, the intent was there.)

I knew about the porn addiction the whole relationship, but found out this march he had a second phone since i was pregnant with our first- may 2024- and was using that every single day and using it at work. now, finding that was rough enough. but being able to look at the dates and see what we were doing when he was cheating on me was terrible. he told a woman he wanted to give her a baby a month after i had a c section with our second.  
our first baby was born 3 months early, out of no where and it was extremly stressful as we were also dealing with financial struggles and moved back into our parents. i had an emergency c section and wasn't able to see my daughter for three days, as they took her to a nicu 45 minutes away and wouldn't transfer me. the whole time i was in the hospital he saw me once, and during my recovery i stayed with my grandma, and he only saw me to pick me up to take me to see our daughter. he'd drop me off immediately after, wouldn't try to hangout or stay the night or anything. eventually i moved into his parents to be with him, and the same stuff continued.

regardless of the details, he was unfaithful. he also treated me like shit the entire time and said the most cruel things. i got my tubes tied with our second because we knew we didn't want more, and he was supposed to get a vasectomy. he told me that he didn't because he wanted to keep his options open because other women would want kids. i thought he hated me for so long and that i deserved it because i am annoying and autistic. i'm very conventionally attractive so i thought my only value was sex, and even that i was tailing at because he was cheating on me with porn daily and having erection issues.

i tried to leave him last week, and he ended up finally getting into therapy and it's hard because he's being nicer now but i don't feel in it. i don't want him to be better anymore i want him to be the same piece of shit so i can leave and be happy. when i left him, that night at work a client was flirting and i got his insta, we flirted and sexted and then he friend zoned me lol but i can't stop thinking about him. i wish my fiance will fuck up so i can go ride this hot tattooed man's face.  
i need unbiased opinions as i am autistic and have ocd and feel like i can't wait until my therapy appt on thursday

watermelon and relationship issues