Sex issues—big ones

I cannot even believe I’m typing this.  This is going to be a bit ramble-y because my head is a mess right now.  Please, no judgement.  I understand that I’m not in a healthy situation.  My husband is obsessed with sex.  I actually believe that saying about how men think about sex every 7 seconds.  He absolutely loves anal sex and he has recently let me know that he cannot have a fulfilling sex life without it.  So (in his words)  I need to either embrace and enjoy anal sex or let him find someone (as in a third partner) who does.  We’ve been married 20 years.  I’m 49 and he’s 56.  We’ve always been a libido mismatch and we have fought about sex a lot over the years.  He thinks I’m a prude.  I think porn is a problem but he does not.  Basically, since there is so much that I don’t enjoy, he says needs to be able to watch girls who do.  I think it’s created an unfair situation because he thinks that the girl fucking herself in the ass with a dildo while squirting everywhere is completely normal in regular people’s everyday sex lives.   I just can’t compete with that.  I’m not going to leave him, which is where I’m sure many of you are going right now.  

I thought, when I was in my 20s, that I was adventurous sexually, but it turns out that I’m extremely vanilla.  Boring.   I do not enjoy anal sex or anal play AT ALL.  We have tried it a few times.  It doesn’t feel good.  I get no pleasure, only pain.  He insists that the only reason why I do not like it, since all the girls in porn truly love it so much, is because society has convinced me that it’s dirty.  I’m supposed to rethink the pain as pleasure and ‘poof” anal sex will be my new best friend.  The fact that it hurts like a Sonomabitch is just not true.   He thinks I’m lying to avoid it.  Again, because the girls in porn never show any signs of pain or discomfort.  Also because millions of gay men all over the world.  It’s a me problem and he cannot be convinced otherwise.  We are at a point where he cannot come during sex unless he’s watching porn with hard anal.  The laptop is omnipresent during sex.  

We have done threesomes before, when we were much younger, but we never did run into a girl who wanted anal, and I feel like we are a bit too old at this point to be trolling around bars and night clubs hoping to meet a chick who digs middle aged couples.  He thinks we aren’t trying hard enough because there are plenty of younger girls out there who want that.  I think porn has given him crazy expectations and that we are basically a punchline!  I’m also reluctant about the idea of open marriage because we live in a pretty small town (only about 40,000 people) and I worry about STIs  and pregnancy.  I could see him getting baby trapped for his money and we are finally empty nesters, but I digress…..

One thought I have in my head is…..what can I do to learn to tolerate anal with the least amount of pain possible??  Good grief that makes me sound crazy!! But is my marriage over if I don’t??

I am very much aware of how f-ed up this all sounds!!!  I know it’s unhealthy but he’s told me that he would rather have no sex at all than my vanilla sex any more.  I’ve read a lot of articles about how to spice things up, but I assure you that none of those suggestions are spicy enough for him.  He will not do marriage counseling.  He knows that a counselor is going to say that I’m allowed to have my boundaries.  And he specially said that he will look like the bad guy and be “slut shamed” for liking dirty acts.  

Our marriage is not perfect, but sex is our biggest issue, by far. 

What should I do??

TLDR: I’m too vanilla in bed and it’s killing my marriage.