Disassociation from an old fader

Hello, so I have this thought about disassociation. I've been inactive for God maybe 15 years. I know you might be thinking why even think about disassociation? So my mom is active and i think I would still have a relationship with her (maybe). The real reason is that my extended family brothers in low sisters in law are all active and when I met them they weren't active or even witnesses. My sister in law faded but eventually went back, my other sister in law married a JW. They have a lot of children and now holidays are non existent and it's been shit since. I can't escape the ORG.

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Its not the religion I grew up with either. When I left we still used books. I almost shit myself when I went to a memorial and mfers were using tablets.

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I did shit myself when I walked into my parents house and they were watching GB Sam Herd and I was like "who is this guy" they explained and I was like whoa I thought they were discreet. I've since caught up and am up to date on the goings on thanks to exjw tube.

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I got baptized around 12 years old. My mom seems to think I'll come back at some point. I get the every now and again call from an elder. I can't stand my sister in law always making comments about Jehovah making it sunny or how the animals will be chill in the new world.

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I want to dissociate to see if I get shunned by my mom and extended family. I also feel like I could never comfortably live my life. ( I avoid Xmas lights and spooky stuff for holidays because I still worry I'll get narked out.) I want everyone that knew me as a witness to know I'll never be back. I don't hate them but I feel like the org has exerted control over me by being in my proximity. if they stop talking to me I'll know what they chose and know for sure my relationships are superficial and not unconditional.

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I know this is a rant now, but I'm seriously afraid, and I don't want to do it and I'm going back and forth but I feel I need to so I can live my life without shadow judgement and know who really loves me for me.

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