embracing the girlfailure life as a shield

I constantly think about being a chud n femcel ( I’m pretty vocal about it with my friends too as a ‘joke’). I know it can’t be good to conceptualize myself as a failure in my own head all the time and that a key part of my self-concept is my nature as a flop.
I was trying to think of why I do that and I think it’s a ‘shield’

By pre-emptively labeling myself as a failure, I’ve turned it into this neutral, ‘expected’ part of my life. This enables me to deal with my social awkwardness and numerous failures a lot better because I know it’s essentially my fate, or intrinsic to my character. Thus when said embarassing thing happens, I can chalk it up much easier.

Even in regards to my crush, I’ve been joking a lot more ab being a loser on my spam since he followed me on it. I know it’s deeply unappealing but it’s almost a way for me to ‘disclose’ my true nature in advance, so that when he inevitably realizes, he doesn’t feel a disappointment. I think that’s why I hate having crushes, or at times even being known. I have times where I want to be at uni and have nobody know me, so that my awkwardness exists unanchored from any perception of a ME in the world and the expectations people may have of my propriety.

It hurts because it feels like I am incapable of change, but it hurts even worse when I hold out hope at succeeding in something or being a ‘normal’ girl (I know nobody is normal, but guys, if you met me yall would see how embarassing I come across, i cba to enumerate the reasons), and inevitably fail at being so. However, a big problem I find is that by thinking maladapted thoughts all the time, I genuinely have nothing left to bring if someone did give me a chance. So it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.