I feel guilty for not going to dinner with my dad

I cut contact with my dad 8 years ago after I found out he was cheating on my mother. My childhood with him was also very rocky before that.

He had a really bad temper and would throw things like plates and other objects across the room when he got upset with me or my brother as children. He also was very emotionally abusive as well. For example, I remember not wanting to go to school one day when I was young and my dad told me that if I didn’t go he would leave my mother and it would be my fault that she’s sad and alone. He’s also made a lot of comments about my mother’s weight, saying “the reason men cheat is because women let themselves go”.

Other examples of this abuse include a time when my brother and I were young and we went to Austria to ski as a family. My dad didn’t wash his hands after going to the bathroom in the hotel, and my younger brother (probably 4 at the time) told him off for not washing his hands. My dad got upset and put his hands down his pants and rubbed it on his genitals and then slapped my little brother across the face with the same hand. I feel like my dad makes me an angry human being, and I would yell at him whenever he would do things like this to my brother. I think in part is why I stopped talking to him. I felt like a horrible person around him.

My dad also has an incurable STD he got while sleeping around, and since my parents divorce he has started dating one of his mistresses who was also cheating on her husband with my father (both now divorced).
There’s a lot more stuff he’s done but it’s too much to all write down here.

When his affairs were confirmed and my mother told me about the divorce many years ago, I decided to cut contact with my dad. But recently I’ve been thinking of fixing our relationship since it’s my cousins wedding in a few months and i don’t want any family drama on her special day.

My younger brother still talks to my dad often, since my dad bought him a new car and pays his allowances as well.

My brother suggested that my dad and I go bowling and have dinner with him and my uncle tonight. I initially agreed, but once I got there I felt so uncomfortable while bowling and I couldn’t even make eye contact with my dad. Afterwards on our way to dinner, I told my brother that I needed to go home and didn’t want to do this tonight. He tried to convince me to stay but I ended up leaving and going home.

A part of me feels guilty about this because I know I should be trying to rekindle things, but honestly it just felt so uncomfortable after not seeing him for 8 years and the last thing I wanted to do was sit across from him at a restaurant and face him.