Came out, went back into the closet after my parents reacted badly, and now I feel embarrassed for losing so much time

I  am in my early 30s and gay, although I have spent most of my adult life either denying it, minimising it, or trying to make it small enough that it did not disturb the family dynamic.

I did come out when I was younger, but the reaction from my parents was painful enough that I effectively went back into the closet. My mother said I had broken her heart, and that she loved me less because I was gay. It was treated as a phase, or confusion, or something that would make life unnecessarily complicated.

Looking back, I think I had already absorbed a lot before that point. There were comments, jokes, assumptions, discomforts and little signals over the years that made it clear being gay was not something that would simply be accepted as normal. So when I did come out and it went badly, it confirmed something I had already learned: that keeping the peace meant making this part of myself smaller.

I am a bit angry, yes, but I think I feel more embarrassed and ashamed. Not ashamed of being gay exactly, because I think being gay is brilliant and I am proud to be gay. I think I feel ashamed that I let myself hide for so long. I feel as though, by not being braver, I somehow let the side down. As if I should have stood up to my parents properly years ago and refused to make myself smaller.

I know that may not be a fair way to judge myself. I know I was trying to survive emotionally and keep the peace. But it is still hard not to feel embarrassed by it. I see other gay men who seem confident, open, funny, stylish, loved, relaxed in themselves, and I feel as though I am late to a life I should already have been living.

There is also the awkwardness of still getting little indications from my parents that they expect or want me to find a girlfriend. It is not always direct, but it is there. It makes me feel as though I am still somehow expected to perform a version of myself that is not true.

What I really want now is quite simple. I want to get on with my life. I want to find a boyfriend. I want to be confidently gay. I want to stop treating this part of myself as something to manage around other people’s comfort.

I suppose I would like to hear from other gay men who came to this later, or who went back into the closet after a bad reaction. How did you get past the embarrassment and shame? How did you stop feeling as though you had let yourself down? And how did you start building a life where being gay felt ordinary, joyful and properly yours?