We we’re going to get married next spring but then I relapsed

Hello, I am a 25 year old drug addict. I was with my fiance for five years. I loved this girl so deeply. I don’t get along with most people but she was my other half. Now I am alone, because I let my addiction get the best of me, and I didn’t comprehend the consequences of my actions beforehand. I was sober for longer than I’d ever been, was in an outpatient program, back in college, and had a nice apartment in the city with her. She had gotten into an apprenticeship with an award winning hairstylist, so things were really looking up for us.

When I met her I was “not an addict”, or had never tried substances before, but as we grew up together we’d go out to bars and parties and I encountered coke, Adderall and what have you. About 2 years ago I met someone at my job who’d sell me their entire Adderall prescription, and that’s where I went off the rails. I progressively lost my mind, withdrew from my partner and my life, and would frequently do erratic behaviours. I didn’t care though, I just wanted more Adderall, I’d never experienced being in the throes of addiction like this. I kept it a secret from her, and when she found out she said she would leave me if I didn’t get help, so I got help.

I managed to stay sober all throughout that time since then, and life progressively got better as I mentioned before. Made more friends, my career was taking off finally, and my relationship was better than ever. I proposed in March, and we began planning our wedding. In April, a coworker of mine told me they have cocaine they’d want to sell. I declined of course but as the days went on the thought of getting some wouldn’t go away. One night in a split second decision I left my apartment while me and my fiance were hanging out and called that coworker to get some.

I had never had more than a line or two at parties, but I had gotten 4 grams this time. I just put my nose to the bag and snorted a ton at once. I went into a psychotic state I’d never been in before. I drove my truck to an empty parking lot and sat in the back, snorting the cocaine. I began texting everyone in my life erratic messages about things I’d never done, like that I was murderer, that id been cheating on my fiancé. I feel like the psychosis and the shame of having relapsed made me self sabotage. I never returned home that night and my fiance had no idea where I’d gone.

In the morning she called my mom in a frantic state and assumed i had been in an accident or something terrible had happened, as I had texted her all of these insane things and never came home. I made people in my life think I had died or had killed myself. I finally came home, still high, and she looked at me like I was a stranger. I walked towards her and she backed away. She left the apartment and came back that night and told me it was over. That I had terrified her, that it was the most terrifying thing she had ever gone through and it was worse because she trusted me. She had spent all morning in a panic, calling all of my family, thinking I had genuinely died, but no, I was just being an addict.

That was 6 weeks ago, and my life has completely changed, not for the better necessarily. I moved back home with my family, gave up all my possessions, and had to quit my job because it was now 3 hours away. I sit here typing this on a little mattress on the floor, surrounded by nothing. I am so fucking devastated, I never thought id relapse or that this would happen. I fucked up, and traumatized the most important people in my life. I’ve lost my autonomy and the foundation of my life. All because of this fucking shitty substance, I wish I wasn’t like this. It’d be a lot easier being sober if I just didn’t do this. I’ve lost things that aren’t replaceable, and I just hope one day I can forgive myself, because right now it seems impossible.