why do I feel the need to do more.

I don't know why but when I see other people's scars that are healed but were clearly deep or something leave such a strong mark it makes me jealous.it makes me want to do more. To cut more. I know this isn't a healthy feeling.i just Dont know what to do about it. I wanna seek support and community among other people who have struggled with self harm as I have. I've been relapsing theese past weeks due to shit going on at home. I can't tell if I like cutting or I just like the high that comes with it while doing it. I don't think I like hurting myself?but I like how my scars look on me in some fucked up way. It's something that I've done. It was a decision I got to make. To make a pattern on my body and willingly alter it.
I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm worried if I ever try talk about any of this to anyone I'll get attacked and harassed.(why I'm on an alt.) does anyone else feel this way too?