The side of olympiads that nobody talks about

Some years ago, I went to an International olympiad. wait... lets start from the beginning.

I have always been good academically. I did well at school effortlessly and did a lot of other stuff just for the sake of it. every extra curricular. There was this one subject that i really loved. I got really excited about it. then i heard about NSTC. I didnt know all the perks but I just did it for the sake of it. I remember doing all the A levels and FSc syllabus a week before the test, and I somehow made it to the top 50.

When I got into top 50, it opened up a new world to me. I got to know that others have been studying from the right resources for months before me. I was building my foundations and others were already so ahead of me.

Anyways, I hid my imposter syndrome from everyone and did all in my power to succeed. I had no hopes for myself in any camp because I always thought that there is no way I can out perform all these smart genius kids but I still grinded for the whole year. And fast forward...I made it to the team.

The imposter syndrome still remained. I always felt like despite all my efforts, I had gotten in by a fluke. I did all I could to what I felt like was catching up, to become confident in my abilities like those who I now realize were probably putting in lesser efforts but they were still so secure and confident.

Anyways, fast forward to the olympiad itself. It was the best experience ever, but I had an enormous invisible pressure to prove myself. Anxiety and doubt. I was expecting an award but surprise... I got none.

I had centred my whole life around this for the last whole year and now my dreams shattered just like that right in front of my eyes and I couldn't save it. The whole year I had been so busy, so many thoughts on my mind all the time and then on that day, it all stopped. Silence. Complete silence. There was nothing. No work to do, no catching up, no anticipation, no movement. It had all ended. Just like that.

I had failed for the first time in my academic life.

The next 6 months were depressing. I wasn't a star anymore. I wasn't near to reaching any big goal. Although I did not get a medal, the results did show me that my imposter syndrome was lying to me. But still, I spiralled into this deep sense of being lesser. Of being less capable than others.

My mind was screaming that how is this even possible that I had put effort into this and still didnt win? I always win without much effort.

Then I was introduced to the olympiad community. A place where I felt like worth was decided by medals and a bit by college acceptances. I'm not implying that it is true, maybe it is my own mind making these up.

Anyways, the olympiad experience deeply affected my belief in my capabilities. My confidence that if I put my mind to anything, I can do it... it got a "maybe" in between.

I learned a lot from this journey. I will always be grateful that I had this opportunity but in the end, I gave a lot, I got a lot and I lost a lot.

If there’s one thing I would say to younger students going into this world, it’s this:

Don’t tie your entire identity to medals, camps, or results. Work hard, yes. Care deeply, yes. But don’t make your self-worth dependent on outcomes you cannot fully control.

I did that without realizing it. And when it didn’t go the way I imagined, it took me a while to separate who I am from what I achieved.

You can give everything to something and still not get the outcome you wanted. That doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve to be there. It just means outcomes are not a perfect measure of effort or potential.

(i want to remain anonymous, pls let me be)