I posed here last Friday about my dad who suddenly died. I had hard boiled eggs. If you remember me, that’s nice. It’s not gotten any easier. Well of course not it’s only been 5 days but I’m doing my best. I’m the oldest with my sister still a minor (think low teens, I will not post names or ages). I’m lost. I just want to sleep and cry and eat very bad food. But I’m a mom and a big sister and every one needs me. 

Sunday my air bnb ends and I have the option to go home or stay at a place local for free. My husband wants me to go home. He likes to compare things apples to apples and when his dad died we only stayed 3 days. However it was a different situation. My husband was NOK, his dad was in the hospital, he got to say goodbye. The last time I saw or hugged or talked to my dad was months ago and now I’ll never see him again. He’s just gone and that feels surreal. 

I want to go home but I don’t want to go home. He says you’re acting like your sisters parent and your mom needs to do it. However my mom just lost her life partner and I’m doing what big siblings do. He’s the baby of the family whereas I’m the oldest and I grew up an only child for 80% of my life. I also love my sister deeply. My mom’s health isn’t the best and if something were to happen, I’m her NOK. I feel like he’s not realizing there is much more at play here.  He brought up me coming back just for the memorial and I was like what? I have to help plan this what are you even talking about. 

Anyways I just don’t know what to do. Do I stay? Do i leave Sunday and come back in a week? Do I leave Sunday and come back just for the memorial (what husband wants me to do)? 

I’m just so lost. I need help. But I have to help everyone else. I still have to be a mom, a daughter, a wife, a sister but I don’t want to. I just want my dad to hug me but that’s never going to happen and I can’t wrap my head around it. 

Food is pecan pie bc people bring you food when someone dies. I thought that was a tv thing but it’s real. 

Having to play the adult when I feel like a lost little girl