please help me

hellonnenñ i need help. please help me. i feel so alone but always watched. please it’s ruined my life i don’t know who i am anymore or if i died when i hung for the fences all those years ago. is this hell or purgatory? sometimes i’m me sometimes i don’t know what’s going on. i just feel like a different person. or i feel like im being watched and chased or plotted against. it makes me want to pick fights or hide and plan my next move. i walk dangerous areas at night while i listen to beats. just deep in thought. i always see homeless or sketchy people. but i need the rush. i feel unseen there. i just want proof im real. fuck man i don’t know if im getting better or worse. i haven’t slept in days. , someone caught me talking to myself. i don’t even remember the moment to well but i remember idk like day dreaming. i want to seek help but i don’t trust anyone