my coworker

I liked a higher-up at work over the course of months and months and they seemed to like me back, or they didn't. I don't know. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they didn't. I cutted when I felt overwhelmed about the situation. It got to a point where we texted. I implied. They rejected me. I pulled back. They were uncomfortable. They said they liked me, set the idea that we could date once they were out of there. I went along with it. I wanted. We were in a strange in-between. We were mutually intimate, we were figuring it out. It's okay, because we're figuring it out. We meet up. We touch. It's a date. But, we're not dating. They have experience, I have no experience. Now I do. It was exploratory. I don't feel any sexual gratification, but it's nice. They got sexual gratification, but felt similar. Later, I panic about not being clean, even though I'm a virgin. They panic about it too. They have irritation on their fingers. It's attributed to me. I think I have a yeast infection. It's a bacterial infection on them. They say they've experienced similar and it's easy to resolve, they forgive me. They don't want to see me anymore. We have space.

They tell me they don't feel the same. They tell me I ruined the connection. They tell me I was reckless with letting them touch me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. They tell me I upset them and that I put their loved ones at risk, that I put them at risk. I'm sorry. That they gave me what they had and they don't appreciate what I did. That they were uncomfortable with our state. I don't understand. I tried to understand them. What expectations did they have of me? Why are you judging me already? We are not together, you were perpetuating a sentiment where I'm not your partner, but you had the standards of me as a partner already? They don't want to interact with the idea that they hurt me. I don't understand what's hurting me about this. I don't understand why I have to pretend everything is fine. They want us to be normal. They don't mind being a friend, an acquaintance, or nothing, so long as I don't feel about what happened. They want me to come to terms. I don't understand why I am so torn. I don't understand why this makes me want to die more than I ever have in a while. I don't understand why this is worsening my pre-existing mental health issues. I want to tear my skin off and crawl outside of my body.