So I'm supposed to stay alive and suffer because other people want me to stay alive and suffer? Make it make sense.

Tw si

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I'm angry that I want to fucking die so bad, I despise this life of endless suffering with the memories and thoughts and fear and body pain and neverending abuse along with knowing that everyone wants me to stay alive because "what about me and my feels when you're gone?" Oh right silly me! *Your* fucking feels take priority. While I get to chemically alter my brain and poison my body "for your feels." I get to endure endless lifelong therapy and trauma rumination and grief and shame and so so much more, I get to suffer genuinely in agony with, oh *maybe* pockets of relief from time to time but still with that "you're so fucked up and stupid and wrong" playing in the background like white noise driving me quietly insane, but yes, "for your feels." So I'm supposed to stay here because you might hug me once n awhile but still invalidate my feelings and pain. I'm supposed to stay here and suffer because someone might say, "Im so sorry for your suffering" like thanks I'm better now?! I'm supposed to stay here and suffer because I'm get an hour a week in a small room with a strange to try to feel fucking seen for the first time in my life while you, who want me alive for your feels, just pretend like I'm fine while I laugh and smile through the agony.

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Nothing about living through this hell makes sense while my relatives and abusers cry for me to stay alive (while they only cry for their own feelings and need for me to be their emotional fucking caretaker).