I feel trapped in a cycle that never ends

As I write this I realise how pathetic it truly is,for context I always looked upto my older brother,he is 8 years older than me. In every aspect even tho he's done alot of wrong I always felt like I owed him something cause he made me who I am, recently I don't even feel like he considers me his brother,the frustration and everything from his side made me realize how much I hold him back,the worst part? I can't even tell him how much it hurts cause my throat closes before I can say anything,he's the closest person to my heart yet I can't even say anything. I've cried in his arms but unable to say a single word and I've lost all sense of what I wanted to do in life now I just wanna live alone.