Sugar daddy trauma

I (21 F) moved to a new city after being transferred jobs. I thought I would be getting more hours than I was at this new job and started to really struggle with money. I was applying everywhere to get a second job no one was getting back to me and I needed money fast. I’d seen stuff online about girls having sugar daddies so I signed up thinking I would be getting loads of money for doing fun things. At the time I was 19, for my age I was very naive and struggling with mental health where I was in one of my manic / stress fuelled episodes where during these times I do not care for my safety or think logically.

I chatted to a man online he seemed nice, he was 40 and wasn’t too ugly so I decided to meet him in London. We went for lunch/drinks and it was going super well, he clearly liked me.

After we finished in the restaurant he said let’s go for a walk I’ll show you round London, I asked where we were going he said just walking. He then got to a block of flats (nice ones) and opened the door. At first i thought I was a new bar and then I asked him and he said it was his flat block. My heart sank and I asked why we were there, he said he needed to grab something so to come up. At this point I realised that I was stupid for thinking I’d be getting hundreds of £ for a chat and dinner. Either way I wasn’t sure exactly what would happen considering id never even had a bf before or had much experience with men at all. I came up and sat on the a comfy chair he went in his room and then he came back completely naked. You can imagine what happened next.

Even though I felt like he tricked me into having sex with him I had the mindset of Iv done it now so I just as well choose him as my SD to avoid having to sleep w anyone new. I would go up once a week, he would take me nice places tho I couldn’t really ever fully relax because I felt so embarrassed because it was so obvious what our relationship was.

One morning I was asleep and I woke up to him fucking me from behind when I was laying on my side. I was so shocked that I didn’t say anything but I made it obvious I had woken up a bit which at this point he froze and stopped and then waited until he thought I had gone back to sleep about 10 mins later to do it again. I wasn’t asleep I was in my head freaking out. What bothers me about it was that he stopped when I woke up because it feels like he didn’t want me to consent or because he liked how I was unaware.

Also what bothers me is that I know it’s my fault for putting myself in the situation so I should have expected it to happen. I don’t feel sorry for myself, if anything I’m lucky nothing worst happen. It does really mess with me and make me feel sick thinking about that time in my life.

After this I tried to keep seeing him but my mental health got scary bad and even reading a text from him felt like it was taking parts of my soul. Luckily I finally got a second job so was able to stop seeing him and put it all behind me.

I guess I’m just saying this to de glam the sugar baby lifestyle. As a now 21 year old it’s obvious that this kind of thing would happen but if u are young, struggling mentally and lacking guidance do not do it. It’s not easy money it fucks with your head and is just not a good idea.